Now, there’s a company, not far from me, who sells the finest chutney ever made in all creation.

Okay, that’s a big boast, but it’s absolutely true.

This stuff is legendary. It works with cheese on biscuits. It works in sandwiches. It works in toasties.

It’s tremendous. Before I detail the recipe I know of, I will say this: I’ve never made it myself. This is basically laziness, plus, I read something at some point which said that pineapples basically eat you as you eat them. This was somewhat off-putting. However, I reckon if you’re cooking them, they lose their ability to chew you to pieces from within. A pre-emptive strike, this.

Onion and Pineapple Chutney


1 large fresh pineapple, peeled and cut into chunks
6 medium onions, peeled and cut into chunks
1 tbsp Dijon mustard
1 tsp salt
1 tsp paprika
1 tsp cinnamon
1 tsp white pepper
100ml vinegar (white, apple cider or white wine, whatever you have is probably fine)
4.5oz brown sugar
1 bunch fresh bay leaves

1. Combine all ingredients in a slow cooker and cover with lid.
2. Cook on low for a minimum of 12 hours (stirring occasionally if you have the time, or not, if you don’t)
3. Remove the lid and give the mix a good stir. To test if the relish is ready, put a small teaspoon of it onto a clean plate and allow to cool. Once it is cool, it will thicken.
4. If the mixture is too watery, remove the lid and continue to cook until the mixture thickens. If it is too thick, you can add a splash of water and stir through. Allow to cook for another half hour, if you have added water.
5. If you are not going to preserve for later use, spoon into bottles, store in the fridge and use up quickly. Although, this recipe makes enough for six bottles, so even though it’s great, you’re going to be pushing it to get through it that quickly.
6. If you are going to preserve for later, like a hero, be sure to use properly sterilised preserving jars.

Or, you could just hit these guys up: