I love horror films. Real horror films. The good ones. I’m not talking about the gross-out films which tinker with sleep many years after the watching. I’m not talking about the films which appear on those Top Ten Films To Make You Vomit.

I’m mostly talking about The Silence of the Lambs, which is amazing. I once watched Silence of the Lambs with a mate who, as it turned out, was a lot more panicky than I’d been led to believe. As such, every few minutes, she asked me what was going to happen next. It kind of kills the film when a person does that. It’s not quite as bad as when people talk all the way through a film, and then complain that they can’t follow the story, but it’s up there…

Anyway, The Silence of the Lambs – so many lines of dialogue have slipped into the public consciousness and I very much doubt that everyone who quotes the film knows exactly what they’re referencing.

I knew to look out for fava beans years before I realised I’d been eating them since early childhood.

I was prepared. Really. If we were going to a restaurant, and something came with fava beans, I was ready to a) avoid it (in case of accidental people-eating) or b) order it and then pick at the meat like I was doing a squeamish autopsy.

“A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.”

It’s shocking and Anthony Hopkins’ delivery is so calm and deliberate. And all he’s talking about is (aside from the cannibalism) a glass of red and some broad beans. I love broad beans. I don’t know what that says about me now.

Another thing: I’m in danger of falling into a rant, so I’ll keep it brief, but the girl Buffalo Bill kidnapped – Catherine Martin – who was described by Bill as ‘a great, big, fat person.’


Is it me? She’s well-covered. She’s probably had a takeaway in her life. I wouldn’t say fat. And ‘a great, big, fat person’ makes her sound like she’s the size of a wedding marquee. Maybe he only said it because he was talking to Jodie Foster, and you could fit her in a jacket pocket.


It must be a nightmare for people who are actually named Clarice. No matter where you go or what you do, the temptation must be overwhelming – Hello Clarice.


I really need a friend called Clarice.