Rude Bitches Make Me Tired: Slightly Profane and Entirely Logical Answers to Modern Etiquette Dilemmas by Celia Rivenbark
First published, 2013
⭐ ⭐ ⭐ ⭐ ⭐
The title alone called to something in my soul. The book is a no-holds-barred, rip-roaring guide to modern etiquette written by endlessly witty Southern author, Celia Rivenbark.
I loved her use of strong language, which is peppered throughout the text. She doesn’t mince words, which goes a long way with me, and she has genuinely good advice for all kinds of modern problems, from bathroom etiquette to the dangers of talking politics at family events.
The narrative takes the form of anecdotes, whip-smart examples and questions from the uncertain. For example, this response to a teetotal couple who go out to dinner with a pair of other couples (who drink expensive wines) and always get stuck with a third of the bill, despite only ordering chicken cutlets and drinking water only.
“First of all, let the record show that your couple-friends are assholes. Just because you share a driveway with someone doesn’t mean that they should be your dinner companions. And, not to put too fine a point on this, but you and your husband sound like you’d be happier with your own kind. I mean, who the hell goes out to eat and orders a chicken cutlet and water on a Sadday (sic) night? I mean besides Garrison Keillor. For Christ’s sake, it’s Saturday night. Live a little – get the osso bucco. Look it up.
“I’m sorry. I don’t for an instant mean to imply that just because you don’t drink, you’re no fun. I just want to come right out and say it: You’re No Fun.
“Assuming that you really do want to continue this pitiful dinner charade for your own weird reasons (swapping, perhaps?) I will answer your question.
“You’re going to have to speak up. Yes! Crazy and radical, I know! You’re going to actually have to form the sentence in your empty noggin, feel the words in your mouth, and then hear them hang on the air.
“Here’s what you say:
“‘Roscoe and I didn’t have wine, so y’all can split that and leave us out of it.’
“Man, oh man, how I’d love to be a fly on the wall when that happens. Sorry. I was assuming this was a Denny’s, but then I remembered the ‘fine wine’ thing.
“Their jaws will drop and they’ll be shocked that, after many months of sticking you with a third of the fancy wine you didn’t drink, the metaphorical scales have dropped from your eyes. Crappidy-doo-dah. Game over.”
pages 3-4, Chapter One – Check-Splitting: Who Had The Gorgonzola Crumbles and Should We Really Care?, Rude Bitches Make Me Tired by Celia Rivenbark
Read, devoured, loved.
Petrina Binney - Author 