Well, it’s Almost New Year’s, so the time has come to take stock of my lot in life and consider the changes I need to make in the coming year.

This is a befuddling and disappointing task. I would rather not consider the things I should do at all.

Sitting here as eight years of barmaid, I can say with some authority that I have watched people give up drinking for January, I have watched them quit smoking, junk food and inappropriate flirting. And I have been there when they’ve fallen apart.

The consequence of their clean-living has been as follows: we’ve all become terribly depressed. The quitter has become miserable and their sadness is highly contagious.

When I have asked why they’ve quit whatever it is, they have replied, “If I stop (smoking/drinking/fast food/meaningless sex), I’ll live longer.”

“Like this?” it transpires is not an appropriate response.

But yes, they will live longer. However, the extra years don’t get crow-barred into your thirties, when everything still works.

The extra years are at the end. After many years of smoking, drinking, fast food, meaningless sex, the end probably won’t be dignified. Still, as long as they’re happy…

So, you might well ask, what is my New Year’s Resolution?

The same as it’s been for the last five years: to have more fun.