I’m aware that I haven’t blogged in a good long while. Sorry about that. The first half of this year has got away from me. 

But never fear because it’s my birthday, so I’m bringing you Wisdom at 41. Buckle up, kids.

In your twenties, with a bit of luck, all you really need to worry about is your hair. In your thirties, people will assume that you’re an adult and, as such, you’ll know all about mortgages and APR and how to bleed a radiator. If you don’t know these things, you might well feel like a shoddy adult. Just hold out. There are plenty of YouTube videos and the fact is, once you’re into your forties, people not only assume you know these and many other things, they also suspect that, due to your advanced years and probable arthritis, you’ll have people to do these things for you. It’s worth remembering that most people are just winging it. We learn things as and when we need them. There’s no shame in that. Give yourself a break, damnit.

The condition of your teeth now reflects what you were doing ten years ago. I’m talking about staining and cavities here. I don’t pretend to be a dentist, but ten years ago, I thought very little about my teeth and have made my peace with the fact that I’ll be paying for my dentist’s holidays until one or both of us is dead. Unless I win the lottery and have them all replaced with the screw-in jobs.

29 comes up a lot sooner than you’d think. When I was in my early twenties, I considered doing an Open University degree. Life and such had prevented my going to university at the traditional time, but I didn’t really want to specialise and so fancied doing a humanities degree with various bits of things: literature, archaeology, art history, philosophy, all kinds of subjects. The thing that put me off was the idea that I’d be twenty-nine by the time I graduated. When you’re twenty-two, that seems a long way off. What I hadn’t considered, and didn’t for a good clutch of years, was that, with a bit of luck, I’d turn twenty-nine regardless. It was up to me if I did so with or without a degree.

Some people still have to brag about an achievement from dozens and dozens of years ago because nothing of relevence has happened to them since then. There are grown-ass people in their seventies who enjoy showing off their grammar school education. There’s no question, it’s one of the finest forms of schooling available in this country, and regardless of how I feel about the 11+ (Seriously, why would you tell a ten-year-old they’re a failure?), surely something has happened to you since then? Always have something to talk about from the last five years, otherwise it just seems like you’ve been living under a rock.

Some folks will never be happy. These are not for you. If there are twelve people, and we say six of them like you, three are undecided, and three don’t care for you at all─don’t waste your time trying to convince the three haters, they probably decided based on something inherent in your personality or looks that you can never fix for them, or it’s because of something they heard from persons unknown, or hell, maybe they mixed you up with someone else. The real question is: why waste your time? Spend your energies on people who like you because they, clearly, have taste.

Give someone a compliment every day. There is the risk of this one coming off creepy. I don’t mean – stagger up to strangers and tell them they’re sexy. I doubt that ever works and there’s always the possibility of a meeting with the police. No, what I mean is give compliments, freely and regularly, to as many people as possible. You never know what kind of day another person is having. You might just be the dot of light in an otherwise miserable week.

Be yourself. People will always have an opinion on how you should be living but it’s not as if they’re going to do it for you. Try not to hurt anyone, plant something nice for a bee, consider your words. I am not a mindful, affirmation person, but be gentle with yourself. In the course of your life, you’ll spend more time with you than with anyone else. Use kind words. Stop calling yourself an idiot. You are glorious, and no one else is managing your life like you are.

Tell the people who matter that you love them. Always.

Flirting, like banter, has to have reciprocity. If you’re flirting at someone who is not participating, chances are, you’re making them uncomfortable. If you’re flirting at someone who works in a shop, cafe, bar (or similar), please know that they have to be polite and pleasant─that’s a major part of the job. Just because they smile doesn’t mean you’re dating now. Also, if you’re throwing banter at someone who fails to engage, it’s closer to bullying than anything else. 

If you’re looking to hurl a complaint to/at a shop worker, waitress, barmaid, and other things I haven’t done, know this: whatever marital perk you think you’re getting because you’ve made another human being feel small, that ship has sailed, you’re not impressing your wife. There seems to be a bizarre correlation between the size of the complaint (dinky) and the fuss made over it (gargantuan). If it’s a petty complaint spoken deep from the diaphragm, the staff will only wonder if it’s been ten or fifteen years since you got laid.

If you have been genuinely aggrieved, and you’re worried you’re going to lose the thread and indeed the argument by crumbling under a torrent of tears, know this: we have been conditioned to be civil and friendly. This is what society deems appropriate. As such, any large and dark emotion─sadness, anger, frustration─can cause a state of overwhelm. It may well be that which threatens tears. If you do cry, perhaps you’ll feel like you’ve let yourself down, or you’ll cry because you’re crying, or the hugeness of the situation will just become unbearable. But tears can be fierce. Perhaps they don’t show weakness. Perhaps they show depth and fervour. Perhaps you think I’m full of it. In which case, I’m a big fan of a list. If you’d rather keep your emotions in check, make yourself a list. Written down in ink, or on your phone, make a note of the points you’re going to get across, and give yourself a pat on the back for every one you get through. You’ve got this.

This one is vital: Shouting doesn’t work nearly as well as silence. If you can stay calm, people will never be quite sure what you’re planning.

If your job doesn’t feel like your passion, remind yourself that you are not your job. Your job is what you do so you can have a life. Practicality is a cruel mistress who demands we pay our bills. No one can cover the mortgage based on who they will be in ten years’ time, but even if your work is a disspiriting step on the path to a dream, remind yourself it’s not everything you are, nor is it everything you will be. It’s just a step.

For the love of God, tip your waiter/waitress directly. 

Someone who talks a lot about honesty is probably lying. I should stress, this isn’t always the case, but it’s something to be on the look-out for.

A lot of us can maintain a friendship even when we don’t speak or see each other for months or years at a time. As such, when a friendship you thought was solid falls apart, it’s devastating. But like a romantic relationship that ends when you’re not ready, you just have to accept how the other person feels. Keep yourself safe, but keep your heart open. If they want to come back, they will.

Filters make everyone feel worse about themselves. I want to be quite clear on this one. I don’t just mean the cute, cat ear filters. I mean all of them. A friend was experimenting with filters that were supposed to make her look like her best self and she wound up looking like a corpse.

Stop ignoring your health. If you have an ache, or a pain, or a muscle twitch, a leg going out from under you, a headache that never seems to go away, stop telling yourself it’s nothing and have a doctor check that it’s nothing.

If you’re having sexy dreams about co-workers, chances are, you’re doing too many hours.

Pretty is temporary. Work on your other qualities because when the pretty starts to droop, fade, pucker, you’ll want to be clever, funny and talented because the cure for ageing is the wind-tunnel look.

Everyone deserves happiness and dignity and if you need to put people in boxes based on the fact that they are not you, or if you want to take a good long look at other people’s genitalia in order to determine how you’re going to treat them, you’re going to waste a lot of your life making boxes and people will think you’re a pervert.

You will find idiots wherever you go. Luckily, most people carry who they are pretty prominantly. If you miss the signs, don’t blame yourself. It’s an exceptional quality to see the good in people.

For the rainbow people, it’s okay if you’re not ready. No one should pressure you to come out. Everything has its own pace and if it’s not safe for you to come out yet, that’s alright. If you’re worried about the reactions of others, see the first line of the previous point.

For the writers, never pay to be published. Write for yourself. Write what makes you happy. Work on your craft. If you want to be traditionally published, it’s a long slog and can often feel like you’re shouting into the void, but if it’s what you want, you can make it happen. If you’re happier to be independently published, go ahead and do that thing. There’ll be detractors on either side, so do what works for you.

AI art and writing are the spawn of the devil. 

Incidentally, if you have a friend who’s a writer and you plan to use them for their connections to the publishing industry, try to be more subtle than sliding into their DMs to beg for a meeting with their agent. If they have no agent, and you go ahead and block them from every platform, know this: Joanne, I’ve named a character after you and I plan to push her off a boat.